I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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