Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
