I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Congratulations! We have a period
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
