I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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