Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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