So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
