dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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