I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
