I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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