good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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