I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
