Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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