U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
