the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
