My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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