I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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