I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
