you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
