omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
where are you?
Hypothermia
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
