Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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