Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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