you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
