I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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