I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
