hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
