drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
