In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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