Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
