need another drink. this is the easiest way
wat bout pragnant strippers??
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
