I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
