i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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