I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
