I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
