either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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