There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
