I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
