i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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