i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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