i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.