I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
