Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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