Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
