The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
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It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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