bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
