she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
