Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
