my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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