Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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