before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
