OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
All the doctor said was why
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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