So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
