moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
