the day after is always just damage control
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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