he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
