my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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