Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
