if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
