quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
