He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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