1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Welp...herpes.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
