please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
