I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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