i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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