happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
